The perfect suitcase

Not too small, as then one has to carry two of those, and one has only two hands, one for luggage, one for picking the nose / scratching the ear / holding a trench coat and a copy of FT.

But not too big, because it won’t fit in the car trunk / elephant back and stuff will move around and get wrinkled, and bottles will get pierced by stileto heels and spill their content - that which smells the least pleasant- all over

Structured- so stuff won’t get crushed when workers who load and unload airplanes get the occasional “I hate you and want to see you gutted” attitude towards suitcases and try to kill them by throwing them around.

Yet soft, so that more stuff can be stuffed in and easily moved around, when one gets the well known to travellers urgent desire to reach for the nail clipper while on the bus from the airport without unpacking before the eyes of the innocent co-commuters.

With compartments that keep shoes, dirty laundry and “dirty” underwear apart, so that sneakers, “sneakers” and co-commuters won’t get shocked by looking at the lacy specimen of a brief one carries, or the amount of dirt one allows to accumulate on one’s socks before changing them.

But without compartments, because compartments do tend to make life difficult, as it is often hard to decide what should go where – especially if one suffers from OCD, chronic indecision, or the superhuman need to find the perfect place for everything.

Distinct, so that around the conveyor belt one can look cool and relaxed, a truly experienced traveler, not freaking out every time a black suitcase comes out of the hatch – gutted or not.

But not too distinct, as the easier it is for one to spot a suitcase in an airport, the easier it is for his significant other to spot it as well, especially in a 5star resort in an exotic island that couldn’t be called a “conference centre” even if the surviving of the african white spotted tiger depended on it.

Light, so that each trip is not remembered by the X-rays of the slipped disk one got from hauling the suitcase around

But not too light, otherwise luggage snatchers (an always feared, yet never encountered species of humans) will no doubt snatch it as the unfortunate traveler puts away a cigarette before entering the smoke-free terminal of choice.

And finally, intelligent and forward-thinking: the Wild Traveler wants a suitcase that can colour-match tops and bottoms, calculate the need for undergarments based on dust, humidity and activity conditions at the point of destination, guess in advance the social engagements the Wild Traveler will encounter at the other end of the globe so as to produce the appropriate attire (complete with shoes, accessories and a gift for the hostess) and clean, press and neatly fold all laundry on the trip back, so that the Wild Traveler won’t have to do it…

Anyone seen a store selling Mary Poppins’ bag?